You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
by VallieValVal
Summary: The series of completely awkward situations. ExB. Rated T for language, sexual references, and fabiosity.
1. The Pencil Case Incident

**Yet another idea I can't seem to get out of my head. Enjoy.**

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"Oh God, I've nearly got it."

"Ugh... wow this is hard."

"Does yours stay?"

"It keeps falling out! Why won't it stay?"

"Oh... oh.... oh guys! I have it!"

"No... wait... let me push a bit harder..."

"Why does this thing have to be so damned big!"

"Oh! You swore!"

"Damned isn't a swear word! Oh look what you made me do, I had it."

"Yeah, well _mine_ fits perfectly."

The door opened, and the three of us looked up quickly, covering our top halves up.

Edward looked upon us with his mouth wide open, not moving, and staring at Rose, Alice and I sitting topless on Alice's bed.

Edward's mouth seemed to drool as he stumbled on his words, "why... what... in the name of God and all that's holy are you doing with pencil cases stuck between your –"

His voice broke on the last word and he couldn't continue the sentence.

"Boobs, Edward?" Rosalie asked, as tenacious as ever.

"Yes," he squeaked, not moving from his stiff stance. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he suddenly widened his eyes and flew from the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Wow, Bella, your bright red." Alice commented. I grew self conscious that a boy had just seen me topless with a pencil case between my boobs, and reddened even further. I should have known this would happen.

"Shut up, Alice." I muttered as I reached for my bra.

"Yeah, well. Now you can tell Tyler you got to second base with Edward!" Alice screamed, and Rose burst out laughing. I clamped my hand over Alice's mouth before Edward heard.

"Yeah, without the groping," Rose added between laughs.

"If you hadn't suggested we tested whose breasts were the biggest, this would have never happened," I concluded, in my usual smart mouth voice.

"Boobs, boobkies, jublees, knockers, puppies, hooters, honkers, mounds, melons, or tits, but NEVER call them breasts Bella - that's just awful." Alice said in one breath.

"Where did you learn all those... terms for... _you know_?"

"Don't tell me you've never heard of them, Bella."

I shook my head.

"Wow. We are in high school, you know. You should know these things."

"Why would I want to know that? Those are just vile, boy-made words that discriminate femininity."

"That sounds exactly like something your dad programmed into that head of yours," Rosalie said, grabbing my hair playfully and then bending down to pick up her bra too, which made me remember that I needed to put on the bra currently in my hands.

"Well, at least we proved my boobs were the biggest," Alice sighed happily.

"Na ah," Rosalie disagreed as she shook her head, "look at these." She cupped her boobs in her hands and lifted them so they looked even bigger than before. "Look, they hardly fit in my hands!"

"Oh come on!" Alice huffed and put her hands over Rosalie's, pulling them down a bit.

"Yeah, well _my_ pencil case fit in between them and didn't fall out when I had no hands on it, and _yours_ didn't!"

"Your pencil case was smaller than mine!" Alice retorted.

I reached down to pick up my shirt and hoodie as Alice and Rosalie continued arguing about something I really didn't care about. I would find a nice boy when I finished university, Charlie had said. Boys only complicated things, and I really wanted to finish this year at the top of my class. So there was no way, I would ever get a boyfriend right now.

Well, there was only one exception. Edward Cullen.

My crush for three years now, Edward was 107 days older than me, had a GPA of 3.8, resided at number 78 Forks Sth Road, and had one sister – Alice – and two parents – Esme and Carlisle.

But more importantly, he had the most gorgeous colour hair - a reddish brown derived from his mother, expressive green eyes, an intelligent mind, and the most gorgeous face in the world.

"Bella," Alice sniggered, and I turned to look at her.

"You looked like you were off in la-la land! Bella and Edward, sitting up a tree, K-"

I ran to her in time to shut her up.

"I-S-S-I-N-G," sang the muffled voice of Alice.

"Alice, you said if I told you who my crush was you wouldn't make fun of me!" I whined.

"Yeah, well, never trust me!" Alice sang out in a high voice. She grabbed my arm and twisted enough so she would get free, but not enough to hurt me. She knew not to get on the bad side of a cop's daughter.

"Well, how would you feel if I sung like that about you and Jasper?"

Alice stiffened, but quickly relaxed.

"Well, Jasper and I will get married when we turn eighteen and then go to college and then have lots of babies." Alice pronounced, content with the direction her life was going.

"But he doesn't know about this grand plan yet, does he?" I teased.

"No."

"Should I go enlighten him?" I headed towards the door as I pulled my hoodie in to place.

"No!" Alice shouted passionately.

Rosalie sniggered quietly, but I heard her.

"What about you, Rose? Should I tell Emmett on the way home that you're in love with him?"

Rose grew angry and stood up, still topless, which distracted me for a second before she started at me – a different approach to what Alice had taken.

"Don't you _dare_ tell your brother one thing about me! I may have a small crush on him but I love my Royce and he takes good care of me. He's a better boyfriend than Emmett ever could be! If you tell anyone anything about this I will personally hunt you down and kill you!"

A knock came on the door and not a second later it opened, Emmett bursting in and declaring we needed to go home to Charlie. Then he realised what he was seeing.

"Oh my fucking gosh. This is the best fucking dream I have ever had..."

Emmett had taken to a new phase in his life; swearing incessantly.

Rosalie turned even angrier than she had been towards me, and turned to him. Emmett unfortunately mistook the situation and thought Rosalie was irritated with me.

"Whoa, ladies, no need to fight here. Don't worry, Emmett will sort all your issues out." He smoothly enunciated. He grabbed Rosalie's arm that was still pointing at me from her lecture earlier on, and brought it by her side. Rose quickly became aware of her naked state and squashed her arm across her chest.

Emmett's smile became a frown as his eyes flickered to Rose's now covered chest and he let go of her arm.

"Like I said, Bells, we need to go, so pack your... stuff and let's go home." He looked quickly around the room and left, the door closing softly behind him.

"Let's hope Jasper doesn't come running in here now." Alice whispered.

This time it was my turn to laugh as Rosalie turned bright red... everywhere.

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**All the synonyms for the word "breast" *snickers* came from Urban Dictionary. Man, I love that thing.**

**The idea for squashing pencil cases between your boobs to see if they hold the case up is from "Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging", or the movie equivalent, from the Georgia Nicolson books. Hilariosity is a word used in them, along with fabiosity, so you can obviously see why I love them :D**

**Can you please tell me your thoughts? That's all I want, some typed words, although I do accept cash, any currency :)**


	2. The Scary Movie Incident

**I couldn't leave this thing alone, and have come back.**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: This chapter isn't going on straight from the last one. The same characters etc, just a huge time skip (3 or 4 years).**

I had to be honest, watching _The Ring_ late at night while you have the house all to yourself... yeah. Not a good idea.

I was currently sitting scared shitless on the couch, my paranoid eyes looking everywhere at once as if I was a chameleon, waiting for the zombie girl to spring from behind the kitchen bench, or the couch, or the TV, or to suddenly appear on the dining room chair, or to spring from the stairs...

_Stop it!_ I chastised myself.

I breathed in deeply once again to calm myself, and braved running to the wall, turning my back to it as soon as I got there. With my palms touching the wall, I looked around once again to check there wasn't any movement in the house. I continued slowly making my way down the wall, the only sound in the house my frantic breathing and slow footsteps.

I made it to the hallway and reached for the light, my fingers finding the switch and flicking it. The second the light turned on, I nearly had a heart attack, as there was a figure staring back at me in the mirror.

_Me._

I half wanted to laugh at the absolute absurdness of the situation, but I still felt like crying.

With the light turned on, I felt safer, but every door I passed I checked the room thoroughly out from the hallway, making sure not to look out the windows.

I finally got to my room – the last one in the hallway, naturally.

I slammed the door closed and breathed again, this time of relief. I decided to take refuge in my room for the rest of the night. I should have never convinced Charlie I would be all right in the house by myself. If I was a senior at high school, I could stay home alone.

Apparently not, though.

The sound of my ancient cell phone ringing broke the silence, and my heart started to pound. In _The Ring_, somebody would watch a video tape, and then get a phone call shortly after, saying they were going to die in seven days.

I eyed the screen and saw _Edward_ on the display screen. I decided against the feeling that the murderer had taken Edwards cell phone in an attempt to reach me, and answered it.

"Bella?" My best friend's panicked voice rang through the phone.

"Edward? Are you all right?"

"You... didn't happen to watch the movie that was on Channel Two... did you?"

"You mean _The Ring_?"

He shushed me frantically, as if I was in Harry Potter and uttering Voldemort's name.

"Yes," he whispered.

"Um, well yeah."

"So how are you?" He squeaked, in the highest voice I had heard him in since puberty hit.

I looked around my room. "Not so great," I admitted.

"Can I come over?" He asked. He was home alone himself, as Esme and Carlisle were treating Charlie to an exuberant 40th birthday party.

"Uh, sure. But do me a favour and please come in through my window."

"Okay. Be there in five." The phone clicked off. He would understand why I wasn't downstairs, I guess.

In the four minutes it took him to gather a backpack of supplies from his house, drive here, and climb up to my window, I had cleaned my room to a presentable state.

I opened the window and let him in, shutting it quickly because of the rush of cold air that was getting inside the room.

"God, you must be freezing!"

"Yeah, well..." He chattered, taking his coat off, "It was horrible making my way across the front garden, and knowing what could be out in the forest."

"I shouldn't have watched the movie," I agreed.

"Ugh. Why do they always have to show horror movies late at night?" He whined. I decided against mocking him for sounding like a girl given present circumstances.

"Beats me."

The next one and a half hours were filled with small-talk... and algebra homework.

My old fashioned clock – passed down from Grandma Marie's grandmother – chimed twelve times to signal another day had arrived.

"Should I go?" Edward looked up from behind the ironically labelled 674 page "Algebra for Beginners" workbook.

I had closed the curtains some way through the impromptu evening, so didn't see any zombie girls when I looked outside. I really didn't want to be left by myself though. I bet this was Charlie's intention in the first place – a way to make me learn a lesson.

"You could always stay..." I drawled off.

"I guess I can sleep on the floor," Edward agreed quickly, as though relieved by my offer.

"There's not enough space for that," I motioned around my room. My double bed, desk, dresser, and book case left no room for anything else.

"I don't think Emmett would mind if I took his room." He was right, Emmett wouldn't mind. He hadn't stepped foot in that room in months, caught up in the high of university life.

"But think of what happened between Rosalie and Emmett in that bed." I argued, steering him clear of any solutions that would take him out of my room.

He screwed up his face in reaction to my answer. "Downstairs...?"

"The TV is downstairs." I deadpanned.

"Oh. Right." Edward awkwardly grabbed the hair on the back of his neck.

"You can sleep in my bed." I asked quietly.

"But where would you... Oh right."

"Well, I mean, it's not like anything's going to happen, right? It's just because you don't have anywhere else to sleep." I justified the situation.

He thought it over, and the look on my face must have convinced him. He nodded in agreement.

I grabbed my flannel winter pyjamas and headed towards the door. I was about to grab the knob when I realised I would have to face the dark hallway.

"Maybe you should just change in here." Edward suggested, glancing at my frozen stance.

"You have to turn around." I childishly suggested.

"Uh... all right... I'll just," he muttered to himself till he found a suitable place behind the bookcase. He started intently studying the poster of Paramore I had stuck up.

I turned around and changed as quickly as I could, trying to cover up what I could just in case he were to be looking.

Climbing quickly into my side of the bed, I announced he could turn around.

"I don't have any sleeping clothes with me." He answered.

"Just... sleep in your clothes or something." I mumbled, lying on my side and closing my eyes, waiting for him to make up his mind and get into bed. The evening's activities were finally getting to me, and my eyes were drooping.

A minute later I felt the other side of the bed dip down as Edward climbed into it. He seemed to take some time to get comfortable, so once he did get still I peeked one eye open at him.

Edward stared right into my eyes, his beautiful green colour connecting with my brown ones. I felt my face become red and I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

Of course, the first time a boy sleeps in your bed that isn't a) related to you, and b) below the age of ten, you can't get to sleep.

An hour later, I was still awake. I could tell by his breathing that Edward wasn't in dream world yet either.

As if reading my thoughts, Edward asked me softly whether I was sleeping.

"No," I whispered back quietly.

A minute later and still no answer, I thought he had fallen asleep. But I felt the bed shift and his hands grab my waist, pulling me to him. I squealed in surprise.

His arms encircled me and he rested his head just above mine on the pillow, conforming his body around my foetus position. His arm was so warm and comfortable, and I felt the pull of sleep coming.

Just before I entered dream world though, I was pretty sure I felt lips being pressed against my temple.

I slowly awoke to consciousness in a brightly lit room, and was aware of a warm body lying next to mine.

There were stomps coming down the hallway, and I heard my door open, but in my groggy state I didn't realise it was my father, looking upon a sight he probably wouldn't have liked to have seen... ever.

"What the hell is this!"

**Thoughts please! Are you enjoying these at all like I am?**


	3. The Graduation Party Incident

**I'm not trying to steal the amazing thing that is Twilight. Don't sue me.**

**Please remember that this is the same characters as the last two chapters, but a time skip. A big one.**

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Charlie would have a fit if he knew where I _really_ was right now.

I took a sip from the drink currently in my hands and shuddered at the cheap yeasty taste.

"Bella!" Alice suddenly appeared at my side, hoisting her heavy arm over my shoulders. She pressed her face into my neck and I nearly fell over trying to get away from her.

"Wow!" she enthused, taking a long sniff from my skin. "You smell greaaaat..." she trailed off, inhaling contently, and stumbling around some more. She'd obviously had more than enough to drink.

"Thanks, Alice," I smirked at her behaviour. The more she had to drink, the more enthusiastic she got to be.

"Bella! Bella! Bella!" Alice repeated my name over and over in different tones, and I dragged her over to a bench just beyond the pool area and sat her down, grabbing her head just in time before it hit the wooden arm rest.

"Such a pwetty name!" She shouted. "D-do you think I should ask Jass... Jas... Jaspp..." She struggled to pronounce the full name, and I started to worry about how much she'd really had to drink. I'd only seen people this drunk in the movies.

"Jasper?" I tried.

"Yes!" Alice shouted. I flinched back.

"What do you want to ask Jasper?"

"If... if...," she yawned loudly.

"If he'll be your boyfriend, then marry you, move in together, then have lots of kids? I guessed.

"Yesss! Can you find him? Pwease, Bella? You're my bestest friend ever!"

"Hey! I heard that Alice." Rosalie came and sat down on Alice's other side, patting her spiky hair into a more presentable state while Alice tried to slap her hands away.

"Rose?" I asked her over Alice's head, "Could you please find Jasper", Alice gave a short enthusiastic scream at this point, "and have him take this one home?"

She nodded and left, leaving me to hold a suddenly weepy and tired Alice.

"He'll never love me!" She cried, holding onto me for dear life. I released her grip on my arm, and let her cry into my chest. I watched the party going on in front of me while I patted Alice's hair sympathetically. Someone started walking in my direction, but because of the light behind them I couldn't see who they were till they spoke.

"How's my little sis going?" Edward asked, now sitting next to Alice.

I smirked. "Crying over her beloved Jasper."

He groaned. Everyone, and I mean _everyone_, knew Alice and Jasper were polar magnets who were _very_ strongly attracted to each other, but they were too shit-scared to do anything about it.

"I shouldn't have brought her here." He said, looking at Alice's state. "Who knew what would happen when she got alcohol in her? Absolutely no stomach for the stuff." He shook his head disappointedly, smiling.

I could feel the unmistakable electricity sparking between us, and the inevitable blush heat my cheeks. I quickly thanked the darkness for covering me like a cloak.

"Are you enjoying yourself so far?" Edward asked, sitting forward.

I smiled sarcastically. "What do you think?"

"You hate these things." He concluded. "Why did you even agree to go?"

"This one here," I tapped a sleeping Alice on the head, "blackmailed me."

"What she do now? Another Bella makeover?"

I blushed even deeper this time. "Something like that." _Liar_.

Alice had actually threatened to tell Edward of my indulgence in all things him, including the one time I hid under his bed all night – while he was sleeping on top of it.

"Alice!" I heard a deep male voice groan, and I saw Jasper running towards us.

"God, sweetheart, what happened now?" He blurted unthinkingly, touching her face.

Edward quietly growled.

"She's had a little bit too much to drink, that's all." I added. I did an internal fist pump as I took in Jasper's worried face.

"I should take her home." He pulled Alice into a sitting position, and gently grabbed her under her arms.

"I'm her brother, I'll do it." Edward stood up quickly, pulling Alice away from Jasper.

I could see the opportunity slipping away, so I intervened.

"Oh! Edward, I was just going to ask you if you could take me home?" I put my hand on his arm and tried to smile convincingly.

"I could take Alice home and come back?"

I put all my impromptu skills on demand. "But I'm feeling kinda... sick. I've got a really bad headache." I rubbed my temples as if to prove my point.

Edward looked at my suspiciously, narrowing his eyes. His instincts were right, I was perfectly fine, if not a bit bored, and I was never one to inconvenience someone else.

He nodded his head anyway, and turned to Jasper, scowling at him before handing a still quiet and unaware Alice over. She would have been having a fit if she was awake by now.

"You better not do anything to her!" He shouted at his best friend as the Jasper carried Alice to his car.

Edward seemed to be distracted as he grabbed my hand and pulled me with him.

"Where are we going?"

He stopped and looked down at me. "Your house, renember? You have a headache?" He said slowly, as if I were stupid.

"Oh yeah," I said quietly, berating myself.

He mumbled incoherently and pulled me behind him, opening his car door for me like a true gentleman.

The air in the car was once again filled with the strange electricity that seemed to spark between us whenever we were together – especially in the dark. It had started to feel like this about halfway through senior year, and nearly every time I saw him I felt attracted to him. Not in a boy-meets-girl attraction way – I already felt that about him – but like I _needed_ to be near him; every move he made, I was aware of; it was like I didn't feel complete and content without him there.

I flinched as a cold hand was pressed to my head.

"Sorry," Edward apologised. "You were breathing a little heavy. Just checking to make sure you haven't got a fever."

He smiled my favourite crooked smile of him, and I realised just how close we were. Sitting in his Volvo, the only thing keeping me from kissing those lips of his was the centre console – which would be unbelievably uncomfortable if leaned into.

Edward's eyes looked down and licked his lips involuntarily. I found myself in a trance as the electricity between us reached its peak.

The only sound in the air was our heavy breathing. He slowly leaned forward, unsure, but also teasingly. It was unbearable, but my limbs were frozen in place, and I couldn't move.

My eyes fluttered closed automatically when he was only inches away from my face, and I could feel his minty-sweet breath on my face.

It seemed like time stood still when I felt his lips press again mine, the feel of them making blood rush into my cheeks, unlocking my muscles from their frozen state. I breathed out heavily and reached up and grabbed Edward's hair, pulling him closer with everything I had. Our lips were moulding together in the most beautiful ways, and I felt a tugging feeling build in my stomach.

A car door being opened ripped us apart.

"Thank God you're still here, dude. Newton would've had to drive us home if– what's wrong?"

Edward looked over at Emmett quickly and tried to slow his breathing, the lustful expression on his face quickly disappearing.

"Nothing, Emmett, um... right..." He reached for his keys and got the car started just as Rosalie got in the back seat next to Emmett.

I leant back in the seat and concentrated on slowing my breathing.

_Kissing is the most amazing thing ever!_

Edward's kiss, my first kiss, elicited the greatest feelings in me. I decided that if there was one thing I could do for the rest of my life, it would be kissing him. Over and over and over...

_Stop it!_ I chastised. I could feel my breathing getting heavy again, just thinking about the kiss.

Wow. I really need an excuse to do that again.

The drive to Rose's house was short and awkward. Emmett could sense that he had interrupted _something_, the atmosphere between us four was usually playful – but thankfully he stayed quiet. I had a feeling that anything could set Edward off right now.

Emmett kissed Rose fervently and heavily in the backseat, the sound of their kisses and moans the only thing as the engine was turned off. He slapped Rose on the backside and she squealed as she got out of the car, earning another kiss before finally leaving.

I don't know how it could, but the atmosphere between the three of us left got even tenser on the drive to our house. I stared out the window at the black outlines of trees as I started to get a real headache – probably a combination of the alcohol in my system and what had just happened.

Emmett slapped Edward on the back and thanked him from the ride as he got out of the car, leaving me and Edward alone once again.

I smiled awkwardly at him and opened the door.

"Bella," he begged, grabbing my arm.

He looked into my eyes, and before I knew it he planted a quick kiss on my cheek and leant back in his seat, smiling tenderly at me. I took this as my time to leave and got opened the door, thanking him for the ride as well before walking up the path to Charlie's house.

After telling Charlie I thoroughly enjoyed my time at Rosalie's sleepover, I escaped into my room, just in time to see the Edward step out of his car across the street. He leaned against the side and clutched his head in his hands, standing still for half a minute before walking in the front door. I waited till I saw his light go on before shutting my curtains for the night.

My last thought before sleep came over me belonged to Edward and that amazing, passionate kiss.

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**Please review :)**

**Anyone exited for Eclipse?**


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